Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Our first 2 months

I've been debating and thinking about this post for sometime now.  I'm really not sure if I want to put every thing out there for the world to read, but I do want to remember this time and I want to reach out to other new moms who may go through a similar experience.  So here goes...

Soon after Clint, Graham and I got home from the hospital I knew something wasn't right.  I had read and heard about the so called baby blues and I was convinced that's what I was suffering from.  Luckily, my mom was there to help me through each day and really took the lead taking care of Graham.  I remember being extremely anxious to be alone with Graham and would cry (a lot) out of no where.  We first took Graham to church on a Wednesday night a week after he was born.  What an overwhelming experience!  Of course everyone wanted to see him and look at him and ask me a million questions...I knew that would happen.  But I had no clue that I would totally freak out as soon as I got in the car.  Again, luckily my mom and Clint were right by my side and told me to go rest until Graham needed to eat.  I went to bed that night knowing this was more than the baby blues, but not sure what to do about it.  At this point, I was hoping I would just feel normal again soon. 

The next few days were ok.  I wasn't feeling connected with Graham though.  I fed him, I held him, I played with him all because I had to, not because I wanted to.  Many times I felt like I had ruined my life because I had a child now.  My desire to control my life had gone out the window....forever.  It was completely confusing to me because I had always wanted to be a mom, Clint and I had prayed for a child for a while, so why was I feeling the complete opposite of myself? 

This lack of connection soon became extreme anxiety, vomiting, and feeling hopeless much of the time.  I remember telling Clint...I'm sorry you're having to live with me right now, your life would be much better without me."  That's when we reached out.  We talked to the doctor, did some research and got on medication.  I was definitely suffering from more than just the baby blues....postpartum is real and I WISH I had known more about it going into this time.  I'd heard about it, but always passed it off like it wouldn't happen to me. 

So, where are we today?  Praise the Lord that He was with us the entire time.  He provided my mom and mother in law to be there for me just when I needed it.  And praise HIM for medication and doctors who knew to ask me how I was feeling...not just how Graham was doing.  It took a few weeks, but I finally feel normal and feel like Kat again.  I LOVE Graham with everything I have and seriously cannot get enough of him now....it just took me a while. 

I'm so thankful for Clint during this time.  He didn't quite understand what I was going through for those few weeks, but he stood by me and was always a phone call away...and I called a lot!  So, I don't want a pity party for myself, but rather want other new moms out there to know that postpartum is real, it can happen to you, and if it does, it's ok.  Reach out, talk to doctors, get a support system, take medication and you'll feel like yourself soon.  And you're not a bad mom nor a bad person.

Graham just celebrated his 2 month birthday and what a cutie pie he is.  My life is definitely not ruined because of him, it's much richer now, it's much different now and I wouldn't have it any other way!


Lindsey said...

Kat, so glad you shared your story. I'm sure it will be an encouragement to new moms. Graham is so handsome I can't stand it!

Cassie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this, Kat! One of the things that has helped the most during motherhood has been meeting moms or hearing stories from moms that make me feel "normal" or that I can relate to. And a lot of those moms (now friends) have come through blogs! I feel like openness and honesty on "mom blogs" is so important for helping others, wherever they're at in life, know that they're not alone!

This was so precious for you to share with us!

Mom said...

Walking this road with you was one of the hardest things in my life. My heart hurt for you everyday but I knew that you loved that sweet boy and saw that you didn't blame him for anything. I'm glad you recognized things weren't right and asked for help. God is so good and provided you with all the people you needed just when you needed them. I'm so thankful for Clint, your church and your doctors. I love you and love your tender heart. I'm proud to call you my daughter.

Allison said...

Kat you are so brave to share this. I think we all live in this fear of what people will think if we are real and honest with what is going on. I know your story is going to help so many mommys out there. I hate you had to walk that road, but so thankful you are better than ever now and reaping the benefits of motherhood. Thank you for sharing and for being you.

Ashley said...

I'm behind on blogs! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this & being so open & honest, Kat. I know it will help & encourage so many out there. I know that your openness was a blessing to me as I read! It so often is so hard to be completely open about what you are going through as a mom, being afraid others will judge, when in reality 99.9% of the other mommies out there are going through something so similar. I am SO sorry you had to go through this, but SO thankful you have such a wonderful support system around you and that you were able to recognize something was not right. Love ya & so glad you are at a place now to be able to enjoy each & every second with that sweet boy! He's so handsome!!!